Are you looking for BDSM for beginners guide that would help you navigate the world of BDSM when you have no experience but want to explore new, exciting things? Well, then, you’ve come to the right place! 

Let us guide you through all the BDSM basics, some beginner-friendly toys and accessories, and how to bring a little bit of kink into your bedroom hassle-free. 

Trusts us – it’s easier than it might look at first!

BDSM FOR BEGINNERS: EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW

WHAT IS BDSM?

BDSM is an umbrella term that refers to a spectrum of sexual behaviours and preferences that can be divided up into the groups of Bondage and discipline, Domination and submission, Sadism and masochism.

For some people, BDSM is a lifestyle, while for others, it’s only a small part of their sexuality that they sometimes dabble in. Interested to learn more? Let’s look at all the elements closer:

BONDAGE AND DISCIPLINE

The BD in BDSM stands for bondage and discipline. Bondage is a form of sex play that focuses on restraint. Having another person control your pleasure is central here, and it can involve props such as handcuffs, ropes, blindfolds, or a range of restraints

Discipline is the practice of training a “submissive” to obey, follow rules, or perform certain acts. Discipline is almost always present in the relationship between a dominant partner and a submissive one.

DOMINANCE AND SUBMISSION

Dominance and submission are BDSM practices of taking and surrendering control. One person in the relationship is usually in control, the Dominant, and the other is submissive. Sometimes, people can be both, and they’re called a switch. 

This dynamic can be physical, mental, or both. It can be sexual and play out with sexual acts, but it can also be practiced outside the bedroom through acts of service. 

SADISM AND MASOCHISM

Sadism and masochism or sadomasochism are the parts of BDSM that might feel most advanced for beginners. These elements include seeking pleasure through pain.

Some people find pleasure in inflicting pain, while others enjoy receiving pain. It’s important to note that pain-inducing activities don’t need to include knives or whips. A simple act of biting your lover’s skin or pulling their hair is part of sadism and masochism in BDSM. 

BEGINNER’S BDSM AND SAFETY: THERE ARE RULES!

Sometimes, BDSM is framed to be perfect for trust-building for couples. However, due to the intensity of the activities involved, it’s best to only participate in BDSM with someone you 100% trust emotionally and physically. 

CONSENT

The BDSM community is incredibly good at understanding and practicing sexual consent. All parties involved should consent to activities, and the consent should be re-established throughout the scene, not only at the very start of it. 

In the community, all activities are labeled under two acronyms that outline the safety rules: 

• SSC: Safe, sane consensual
• RACK: Risk, aware, consensual, kink

Due to consent being key in BDSM, it’s advised to only participate in the BDSM scene if you and your partner are both sober and aware of what’s happening. 

SAFE WORDS

Before engaging in any BDSM activity, you should discuss a safe word with your partner. Usually, a safe word is a word that’s not related to anything sexual, and the purpose of it is to be used during the scene to indicate to your partner that you’re not OK with something. 

While usually, the word “no” should be enough for sex to stop, some BDSM scenes might involve one or both partners using the word without meaning it. That’s why a safe word like “pineapple” or “New York” is better. 

Check-ins with safe words between a submissive and a dominant are needed during the scene. If you’re a dominant partner and want to add an activity or intensify things, always check in with your submissive partner about it. 

Example: “I’m about to punish you with this paddle for being a bad boy. Ten spanks this time. Do you remember your safe word? Use it if the punishment is too much for you.“

There is another safety tool in place, which is called the “traffic light” system. Instead of using a safe word, you can use the red/yellow/green system, which allows easy communication during the scene.

As in the previous example, let’s say your partner wants to punish you with a spanking. As you get spanked, they might pause and ask you how you’re doing. If you’re OK, you say “green” so they know they can keep up the pace of the scene. If you want them to slow down but not stop, then you say “yellow.” And if you want them to stop, you say “red.”

BDSM CONTRACTS

In 50 Shades of Grey, Christian and Anastasia signed a contract before starting their heavily BDSM-inspired, very *toxic* relationship. That part of the movie is actually something that might be useful to do IRL if you’re venturing out into the world of BDSM.

Having a BDSM contract with your partner allows you to discuss all the things and fantasies you’d like to explore. You can freely write down all of your boundaries and hard limits. 

When you have everything in written form, you and your partner will always have somewhere to refer to so you don’t forget or get confused about certain things you discussed. 

You might be thinking that signing a contract for sex doesn’t sound erotic… However, signing the contract can also be a part of roleplay that adds to the sexual tension! 

Expert Tips For Practicing BDSM Safely:

1. Start with a fantasy.

A lot of couples make the same mistake: They go to a sex shop, grab a few toys, and then come back and tell him that BDSM just isn’t for them. “Instead, it’s better to start with figuring out what’s hot and sexy for you. “Don’t be afraid to start with your own imagination and what turns you on.” Not sure what does it for you? We recommend reading a few BDSM stories that have power themes or watching ethical porn that has BDSM to see what you might be into.

2. Talk it out.

Sit down with your partner and have an honest conversation about your desires, what turns you on, and what your boundaries are. This must be done face-to-face, since "eye contact is how we communicate empathy."

Because BDSM typically involves surrendering control, trust and communication is everything. It's extremely important that you're as specific as possible with your partner about what you want and don't want, as they should be with you. For example, let them know if the idea of being blindfolded excites you but having your hands cuffed makes you anxious. Similarly, hear them out if they tell you they never want to be in a submissive role.

From there, the two of you will be able to better negotiate consent and identify your limits to make sure that you're both comfortable throughout the process.

3. Write it down.

Remember how Christian Grey and Anastasia had a written contract? It actually wasn't a horrible idea. Since BDSM is all about communication, communication, and communication, it might be helpful to write down what you and your partner discuss in a contract of sorts—even if you're dating or married.

This way you'll have something to refer to when you need a refresher on your partner's boundaries. As you get more comfortable with BDSM and want to take it further, you can come back to your contract, renegotiate, and make amendments. P.S. This can be kind of fun—not weird or transactional—because it ups the excitement for what's to come (emphasis on come).

4. Pick a setting.

Part of a BDSM game plan is picking a spot to do the deed. That might be a hotel on your next vacation (where it might be easier to tap into a different persona), a room reserved for power-play sex, or just your boring old bedroom. As long as it's a place you feel safe, you're good to go.

5. Go shopping.

BDSM is exciting in its own right, but bringing in toys and props can take the fun up a notch. Head to a sex store with your partner and let your imagination run wild. You might load up on restraints, chain nipple clamps, vibrators, paddles, anal beads, and/or lube to help you better lean into your agreed-upon roles.

It's all about pleasure!

6. Dress up.

The same way props and toys can bring out your dominant side or the masochist in you, dressing the part can be just as helpful in setting the scene. For example, if you're the submissive during the experience, you might try a choker—or a cat mask and tail—to represent your willingness to obey your "owner" during the session.

Have fun with it! You don't need to go all-out Halloween-style, but if a little costume or accessory helps you channel your inner sex goddess, wear it proudly.

7. Go slowly.

You can talk and plan all you want to, but most of the time, in the moment, there will be a little tripping point. This makes going slowly essential. You can familiarize yourself with which moves might be too rough for you or your partner and decide whether or not you actually enjoy, say, having your hair pulled during doggy.

Whether you're just getting into BDSM or you're a seasoned pro, the practice will always be "an experiential process where the more you do, the more you'll know. Taking your time helps ensure that you don't cross their boundaries, either—because once you do, they might not want to give BDSM another go.

8. Space out your experiences.

It’s easy to get so ramped up at the idea of trying BDSM that you want to dive in with everything ASAP. But it is highly recommended slowing your roll. “Don’t feel you need to try everything at once." The kinky sex all-you-can-eat buffet is constantly being replenished and you can come back for as many rounds as you’d like.

Try out one BDSM aspect at a time and then “break down your wildest fantasy into manageable parts.” For example, if you’re craving sex in public, lots of props, spanking, and submission, maybe try incorporating just one of them into your regular rotation at a time. You might gradually move sex into a semi-public space, like a balcony or backyard, or before beginning to try new props and power play. “Too much novelty at once can overwhelm your senses and intensify anxiety to a level at which arousal becomes impossible.”

AFTERCARE

Aftercare is a crucial part of every BDSM activity. Due to the adrenaline spikes during the scenes, some people experience an intense drop after the scene is over, which can feel uncomfortable. 

Also, if the scene involves more hardcore activities like knife play, there might be a need for physical aftercare where you need to bandage the wounds or apply healing cream. 

Aftercare is also a perfect time to communicate with your partner about how they felt and what they didn’t like during the scene. 

You might take some time to unwind and process your experiences before reflecting, or you might feel comfortable doing it right after while you both cuddle in bed. 

Everyone will have different needs to help them rewind, but some of the most common aftercare activities are: 

• Cuddling
• Taking a shower
• Going for a walk 
• Drinking a cup of tea
• Journaling

BDSM IDEAS FOR BEGINNERS

RESTRAINT

Restraint play involves tying your partner up and restricting their movements. You can use bondage tape (best for beginners) or soft leather cuffs. 

If you or your partner is hesitant about being restrained, you might start with mental bondage to get comfortable and familiar with the practice. 

You can try giving/taking orders, for example: “Place your hands on the headboard and keep them there until I tell you so.” 

POWER EXCHANGE

Another BDSM activity, and the most well-known probably, is the submissive/dominant relationship. One partner takes control and chooses the role of the Dominant, and the other acts as their submissive. 

You can go as formal as you want with the dom/sub relationship. But a good place for beginners to start is for the dominant partner to give soft commands to their submissive partner. 

For example: “I want you on your knees, hands behind your back. And look me in the eye while I talk to you.”

Another way to bring in some dom/sub dynamic is to incorporate official titles. In this case, the submissive partner would address the dominant partner as “Sir,” “Madam,” or “Master.”

The submissive partner can submit easily to their Dominant. Or, they can choose to be “brats” and refuse the orders, arguing back and working up “punishments.” 

SENSORY PLAY

Sensory play is the ultimate beginner’s BDSM activity to try. It involves sensory deprivation or overstimulation, temperature play, and experimenting with finding pleasure in various sensations caused by tools like pinwheels and ticklers. 

There is a wide range of activities to choose from. 

The easiest place to start is sensory deprivation with a blindfold. Get a tie and use it on you or your partner next time. It will enhance all the other sensations they experience. 

If you want something more impactful, then temperature play might be up your alley. Use ice cubes on your partner’s body to stimulate all the sensitive areas. 

Sensory play works very well when combined with other BDSM activities like bondage or orgasm denial. Blindfold your partner, tie them up and tease them with ice cubes, your mouth and fingers until they’re begging you to let them orgasm. 

IMPACT PLAY

For sadomasochism fans, impact play will be the way to go. It involves all forms of spanking, either with a hand or tools like floggers and whips. 

While it might sound painful and harsh, it doesn’t have to be hardcore. You can explore impact play by asking your partner to spank you gently. Use the traffic light system to tell them how hard you want it. 

CHASTITY PLAY 

How does the idea of depriving your partner of self-pleasure sound like to you? Maybe, you find it arousing to be forbidden from touching yourself. 

If you answered yes to one or both of these questions, then chastity play might be the perfect beginner’s BDSM activity to try with your partner. 

COLLARING

In the BDSM community, wearing a collar indicates that a submissive belongs to a Dominant. If you’re a beginner, wearing a collar might be a gentle way of experimenting with BDSM and power dynamics. 

PRAISING

Praise kink is enjoying and having a sexual response to being praised during sexual activities. Usually, it’s the submissive partner that gets the praise. But Dominant partners can also enjoy and get off on being praised by their sub. 

When you have sex with your partner, try using phrases like: 

• “That’s my good girl/boy.”
• “You’re taking my cock so well. Keep going.”
• “Yes, just like that. Keep being good for me.”
• “What pretty lips you have. Open them for me, will you?”

 

DEGRADING

On the other spectrum is a degradation kink. Degradation can be verbal or physical, and some people find pleasure in degrading while others find it arousing to be degraded. 

For beginners, a great place to start with degradation kink is dirty talk. Use your words to degrade your partner and give them the sense of humiliation they’re craving. For example: “You dirty slut, you like that?”

Activities like spitting on your partner (in their mouth), choking, and hair pulling can also be part of humiliation play. 

ORGASM DENIAL

Orgasm denial is all about denying one partner their orgasm. It’s a form of power play and can be a great way to start with BDSM for beginners. 

Edge your partner close to orgasm multiple times, but don’t allow them to orgasm. Completely stop stimulation or change it up, so the arousal levels remain high, torturing them a little. 

In the end, you might allow them to cum, or you might not – it’s up to you. 

ORGASM TORTURE

Now, orgasm torture leans more towards sadomasochism. Most people are overly sensitive after they orgasm. With orgasm torture, you keep going instead of stopping the stimulation after the orgasm. 

 

BDSM TOYS FOR BEGINNERS

Let’s talk about some of the best BDSM toys for beginners that can help you spice things up in the bedroom without being too intimidating.

TICKLER 

At first glance, it might remind you of a toy you use to play with your cat, but a tickler is so much more! Usually, a tickler is used for sensory play. 

WAX CANDLE

Wax play is a popular BDSM technique, and it can be a fun activity for beginners. There are different candles available – massage oil, hot wax, and low-temperature wax. 

Each offers different sensations and experiences and can be used for different aspects of BDSM. For example, if you’re looking for pain for pleasure, then choosing a low-temperature wax candle won’t work for you as these tend to be too low in temperature to sting when the wax drips over the skin. 

FUN IDEA: BDSM BEGINNERS KIT

You can find a lot of beginner-friendly BDSM sex toy kits that include various items a couple can use to explore their kinks. While it’s an easy way to get a taste of BDSM, it can also be overwhelming – which kit are you supposed to choose?! 

The key here is to have something that fulfills your sexual needs perfectly. 

Now, not sure where to start? Here are our recommendations for your BDSM beginners kit: 

• Bondage tape (+scissors): bondage tape is perfect for beginners who want to explore restraint play. It won’t cut into your skin, you won’t lose a key, and you can easily remove it with scissors if something goes south. 
• Adjustable nipple clams: for sensory and pain play, adjustable nipple clams are the perfect tool. You can adjust the strength of the pinch to cater to different pain tolerance levels, and you can even use it on a clit if you want to get even kinkier. 
• Blindfold: it’s a versatile BDSM tool to enhance sexual experience in many ways. Deprive your senses by removing sight during sex, use it for mutual masturbation if you’re shy about your partner watching you, or combine it with bondage tape for a more intense yet beginner-friendly scene. 
• Magic wand: if you want to add a sex toy to your BDSM kit, then the magic wand is the perfect option. It’s powerful and works for both vulva and penis owners.
• Collar:  A submissive partner usually wears a collar, and in the BDSM community, it’s often viewed as a serious vow from the submissive to their Dominant. A collar might be a great place to start establishing soft sub/dom dynamics. 
• Pinwheel: it might look intimidating, but it’s a fun tool perfect for beginner-friendly sensory play.